No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, even in the world of parenting and families. Aiming for perfection is unrealistic and more importantly, our children don’t need us to be perfect. But what they will benefit from, is watching us role model resolving moments of disconnection or conflict.
Unpleasant exchanges can happen every day, sometimes multiple times a day in busy households. The important part is always to repair the rupture. Because it is the repairing of the rupture that can make all the difference to a child growing up with a secure attachment and positive sense of self worth, versus one with low self confidence and self blame.
Maybe you are running late and yelling at your 2 year old (or 10 year old) to put their shoes on and get into the car. Maybe you’ve lost your temper because you caught your 15 year old on their phone when they should have been doing their homework. Or maybe it’s the end of a long work day and you lose your cool when you get home because you’re tired and the kids are squabbling about something menial.
Whatever the reason, it is important to come back to that moment of disconnection and repair it. To repair is to take responsibility for your behaviour and acknowledge the impact it had on the other person/people involved (Kennedy, 2023).
- It’s not just an apology which can often close a situation down
- A repair opens a situation up for discussion (Kennedy, 2023)
- A repair doesn’t blame your child but sees that they have a problem they need help with
- Don’t blame yourself either – none of us are perfect and that’s okay, we don’t need to be
- You are not weak or “giving in” if you apologise to your child
- But don’t go to the other extreme of apologising all the time to your children (Hoffman, Cooper and Powell, 2017)
There is no exact formula to a “repair” but you at least need to acknowledge the incident and how you responded inappropriately. Don’t blame your child for your emotional dysregulation. Blaming your child for your inability to regulate your emotions is not the model of emotional regulation we want to pass on to the next generation (Kennedy, 2023).
If we don’t engage in repair after a moment of disconnection there are too many risks involved. When children grow up in environments where there is regular conflict or regular ruptures in the relationships with their parents, they can develop thoughts around themselves such as “I’m unloveable, something is wrong with me, or it’s all my fault”. When a child experiences these thoughts and feelings repeatedly over the course of many years (or childhood), they can develop into unhealthy identities as adults where they end up full of self-blame, loathing and criticism. This then leaves them vulnerable to other mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.
When children grow up in environments where accountability is modelled and conflict is managed in a healthy way, they are more likely to grow up and develop into secure adults who can then manage their own relationships in a similar way.
Secure parents aren’t focused on making themselves feel better, they are focused on making their children feel better (Hoffman, et al. 2017).
Most importantly, it is never too late to start repairing with your child, no matter how old they are or how long ago the incident or disconnection occurred. Even if you have an “adult child” who no longer lives at home you can always give them a call and say something like….. “Look, I just wanted to tell you something. I know I wasn’t always the perfect parent, there were times when I struggled and didn’t get things right, and I’m sorry for that. If you ever want to talk about those moments or anything in particular, I am here for you”.
Finally, the notion of repair is applicable to any meaningful relationship, not just parent-child relationships. Repairing ruptures is a key component to all healthy relationships.
Written by Dr Maya Lloyd, Clinical Psychologist who works across the lifespan but specializes in perinatal and infant mental health, parenting and family therapy.
References
Hoffman, K., Cooper, G. & Powell, Bert.2017. Raising a Secure Child. USA: Guildford Press.
Kennedy, B. 2023. The single most important parenting strategy. TED Conferences.
www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy